I love Ethan.

www.babycenter.com is a social networking site geared towards moms. There's hundreds of "clubs" that you can join, based on things you or your babies have in common. For example, there's a club for every birth month. So, I'm a part of the "November 2009 Birth Club". I'm also a part of the "Delayed Darlings", "Low Muscle Tone", and "PKU, Low Protein, and Other Metabolic Disorders" groups. Until finding these groups, I've felt very alone in dealing with a lot of Ethan's medical issues. It's been wonderful connecting with other Moms who are also dealing with the very common issues that come along with parenting a "Delayed Darling". Recently, someone started a thread called "What I Love", and this is what it said:

"Since I'm a little sad today, I thought I needed a pick-me-up, and to remind myself how lucky I am to be Trevor's mommy.  He is truly the greatest kid ever.  So this is what I love about Trevor.  Share what you love about your LOs too!
I love his smile, his laugh, his red hair, his pudgy thighs, his curiousity, that he loves books so much it borders on obsession, that he hugs his stuffed animals and gives them kisses, how he scruches up his nose when he's in a silly mood, the way he says "mmm" when he's enjoying his food, how he claps his hands when we say "good job" and how he's so proud of himself when he uses his walker."

I REALLY enjoyed reading what other mommies had to say about their kiddos. This is what I shared about Ethan:

"I love Ethan. I love his smile. I love the way he holds onto me as I'm holding him. I love his enormous belly laugh. I love how his eyes light up when I walk into the room, even if I've only been away a few minutes. I love that he equally enjoys both me and my husband. I love the excitement in his face when Skype starts beeping because grandma is calling. I love the crazy things he does with his flexible hips. I love the way he giggles when I sneak up on him. I love the look he gets, when he understands something new. I love the smiles he gives to strangers, and the attention he gets from the grocery store clerk. I love the way he snuggles into me, as he falls asleep. I love that he clearly has his own taste in music. I love that he's both a night owl, and an early bird. I love Ethan."

Since I wrote this, I've mentally added dozens of things to this list. I had a particularly rough day yesterday, and it was so therapeutic to just sit and think about all the wonderful things I love about my little munchkin. It's so easy to get wrapped up in "life", and to forget about the things that really matter. No matter how hard my day is, at the end of the day I have this amazing little boy who couldn't possibly love me any more.

Waiting......

Last October, Ethan had a skin biopsy. We were told it would take 4-5 months to get the results. At first, that felt like an eternity. I was so anxious at the thought of waiting that long, for what should be a firm diagnosis for Ethan. As the weeks passed, the anxiety faded as I know it really won't change anything. With either diagnosis, he'll still be at a higher risk for hospitalization when he's sick, he'll still need long term therapy to address his developmental delays, and most importantly, he'll still be one of the happiest, cutest babies around. However, it's now been just about 5 months, and all of the anxiety and "what ifs" are coming back. What if the test comes back without a diagnosis, what if the result is something other than what the doctor thought it would be, what if..... I could go on for quite some time. But, that's not healthy. So, for now I'm trying not to worry about it. At times it feels easy, and at times, it feels impossible. Either way, I don't really have a choice.